Take a letter, Jessica

The Dairi Burger has a hilarious recap of a Sweet Valley High book I don't even remember called "Love Letters for Sale."

Unbelievably, it's about ... love letters for sale. The twins start a business where teens hire them to WRITE LETTERS for them. As the site points out, this has never exactly been a giant teen concern, even pre-Internet. And ... well, it just gets dumber from there.

Excerpt: "They put up ads all over town (ah, these pre-internet stories are so quaint) and they get several letters the first day they check the PO box. They go through some of the requests where people write to them explaining the background info about why they want to send a letter, and what they want the letter to say.

OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IF YOU TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE ALL THAT, THEN WRITE THE FUCKING LETTER YOURSELF! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!"

Jessica goes to the movies

Oh, this bit, from a Dairi Burger summary of a Sweet Valley High book, made me laugh.

"Pierre’s date of course makes fun of people who dare to be intellectual. Jessica actually mutters “Viva la differance!” which made me laugh, but of course they go to an artsy film with weird symbols. Jesus, they could have seen an indie film, not The Cremaster Cycle."

Todd and Liz

Todd Wilkins is the Sweet Valley High character I most love to hate, next to Liz. Because SHE'S perfect, and HE's perfect, hence her picking him. Yet somehow there are enough misunderstandings that they are constantly fighting and breaking up. It's awesome!

The Dairi Burger has an awesome writeup of "Todd's Story," and the book is just what Todd deserves. Excerpt: "By now I am pretty sure that the publishers over at Bantam took the first draft of anything anyone wrote and released it in the series."

News in Sweet Valley

This review of a Sweet Valley High book over at the Dairi Burger is hilarious, but the best part is at the end, the made-up headlines from the Sweet Valley News.

Examples:
Alice Wakefield Tapped to Lead New Town Hall Redesign; Spanish-Style Tiles Expected to Be Involved
Enid Rollins’ Past to Be Revealed as Dangerous and Outlandish, No One Gives Shit
Tricia Martin Still Dead, Sources Confirm
Cheryl Thomas Moves to Sweet Valley, Black Population Up 25%
Jessica’s New Bikini Said to Be Small, Revealing
Local Teacher Roger Collins Proposes New Sleepaway Teen Summer Writing Camp at His House

Choose your own Sweet Valley High adventure!

Choose your own Sweet Valley High adventure! Oh, this made me laugh.

Excerpt: " It’s the day of the party. However, Christopher finds out about the party, since he’s been stalking you. He shows up to break the news to your boyfriend, and probably to physically harm you for not choosing to be with him. When he arrives, he sees your identical twin sister and thinks it’s you. He starts talking to her and trying to win her over.

Should your twin sister:

(G) avoid this psycho, reveal herself to be your twin, alert some security at the party…or get the fuck away from this guy, or

(H) pretend to be you and agree to take a walk in the deserted woods with Christopher, so he won’t ruin your chances of being queen of the country club dance.

Well you chose…(H). Way to go…I guess?"

The best little girl in the world, Sweet Valley style

Damn, I love the Margo Rising Sweet Valley High blog.

Her summary of SVH #74, "The Perfect Girl," is awesome.

Excerpt: "The cheerleaders are, for some reason, “doomed” because SVH needs a new gym floor. I don’t get it. Don’t they practice on the football field anyway? Nevertheless, co-captain Robin Wilson dreams up the idea for a Super Sundae Guinness Book fundraiser that the cheerleaders could do: basically, they’re going to dump gallons of ice cream in a pyramid of kiddie pools, spooge chocolate syrup all over it and then sell “shares.” And the news crew is going to film it before a whooping crowd. Something about that whole scene sounds sort of pervy."

I also love The Dairi Burger, which has a hilarious recap about a book on the most screwed-up teen hotline ever.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

Heh, I loved this Sweet Valley book, in which the oh-so-perfect Wakefield parents actually separate. Not because of money or sex or any reason like that, but because they both work too hard.

Also, Liz and Todd break up (hooray!) and Liz runs away from home, like she's four or something.

Life in Sweet Valley

There are a few Sweet Valley High blogs out there that just give me a good laugh when I need them.

This line, from a fun blog called Margo Rising, cracked me up: "Todd’s nickname on the court is “Whizzer.” That’s like, what I’d name a dog who peed a lot. Well done, Wilkins."

Maybe you had to read the books, but damn, I haaaaated Todd Wilkins in those things. Whizzer, indeed.

College life in Sweet Valley

I haven't touched a Sweet Valley High book in years, but I love reading the Weblogs that make mocking them job one.

This review of book #118, "College Weekend," where the twins go off to visit Sweet Valley University (wow, the original name of that school floors me) just cracks me up.

Also, Liz is the biggest dweeb character who ever dweebed. To wit:

"You see, Liz sat in on an advanced journalism class and back-talked the famous journalist-turned-professor because the professor scoffed at her for being a pretentious, know-it-all douchebag. But of course, Liz’s paper turns out to be THE BEST in the class—she “vastly outperforms” all the AP students! Imagine that! So the professor publicly apologizes to her, announces that the essay will be published in a national magazine, and tells Liz that she won “a highly coveted internship” with the school’s nationally distributed newspaper and that that she’s so brilliant she should enroll in college early. Fucking hell."