Introducing the Kaplutis

So there I was, sitting around, enjoying my new "Facts of Life" DVDs, just like I told you.

And I get to this episode that I totally don't remember, in which Blair runs for student-council president against some girl, Cynthia (not tomboy Cindy), who was never on the show before and never will be again. Cynthia's dad is some diplomat and she's lived all over the world and rubbed elbows with the rich and powerful, even more than Blair. And she wins and gets the job, and then the plot just goes WHACK-A-MOLE. Because she KILLS HERSELF by taking pills in her Eastland dorm room, and one of the girls finds her and Mrs. Garrett doesn't even bother to call an ambulance or run upstairs to see if she is in fact dead for an excruciatingly long period of time and then the girl dies offscreen and Mrs. Garrett deals with final fatal news with the exact calm she might have if the vending-machine guy was calling to tell her he was going to be a few minutes late restocking the Hostess fruit pies.

I kept thinking "She can't be dead! Since when did they kill off students on 'Facts of Life'? I don't remember this AT ALL. And also, if they had to start murdering the cast, couldn't they begin with that annoying Sue Ann?"

It all got me thinking: Remember when Tara and Sarah wrote an article for me at MSNBC.com in which they invented the concept of the Ziering, referring to the one actor in an ensemble cast who will never work again?

Well, I want to invent a term for the one episode in a beloved series that you see decades after the show went off the air and you think: The HELL? Where did THAT episode come from, and how did I see every other episode of this show eight million times and never once see this one?

For me and "Facts of Life," it's the Cynthia suicide episide, which is actually called "Breaking Point." For me and "The Brady Bunch," it's "Out of This World," a truly weird episode about astronauts and UFOs and where Bobby has an excruciatingly long dream sequence and there are midget aliens named Herlo and Shim from the planet Kaplutis. Therefore, I nominate that all such episodes be dubbed "Kaplutis." (Hey, it's better than calling them "Cynthia Suicide Episodes.")

"Kaplutis" are not a bad thing -- it's kind of like finding a new episode of a favorite show that ended forever ago, or like discovering that your favorite author wrote a sequel you never knew about.

The episodes themselves, however, are usually not real strong, since if they were, we would have remembered them -- or at least they would have found their way into the show's pop-culture history canon, a la the "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!" episode. I mean, even if you didn't ever see that episode, it can never really be a Kaplutis, because you heard a line from it so often it's almost like you saw the whole thing. Am I making sense here? It's kinda late...

So now you can say to your friends "The heck? I watched the entire second season of "The Cosby Show" on DVD this weekend and I was completely Kaplutised by that weird one where Cliff's doctor friend confesses that he has a daughter who's a coke addict (real episode, by the way)."

Or: "You know, I thought I was addicted to 'Quincy' as a kid, but I had no idea they staged a D.B. Cooper ripoff episode. Kaplutis Central Station!"

You and your friends may have different Kaplutises, and then you can lord over them that you had 25 years of knowing about the "Emergency" episode where Roy gets electrocuted before they ever discovered it. Kaplutis One-Upmanship!

*Note: Turns out it was "Kaplutis," not "Klaputo," making it even more obvious how unfamiliar I am with this episode.

Just because they serve you doesn't mean they like you

I adored "Clerks," and was thrilled to watch the trailer for "Clerks 2," in which Dante and Randal find themselves working in fast food.

Some parts of the trailer look too Hollywood for me, missing the low-budget and snappy dialogue that gave the first movie such charm. But I admit, I loved the trailer's opening scene, a perfect homage to the original film.

Also, have you read IMDB's trivia for the original movie? Low-budget films have such better trivia than the Hollywood crap. My favorite: "Randall and the Happy Scrappy Hero Pup lady are not actually in the room at the same time. Jeff Anderson refused to read the list of porno movies in front of her, and particularly in front of the child (although the reaction shots of the Happy Scrappy Hero Pup lady were obtained by reading the list to her)."

Smell like this

So cool: Sephora.com has a fragrance finder, where you can choose a scent you like and it will recommend other scents that are similar.

It's not 100% accurate though. I love Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue, and I don't think it smells anything like the grapefruity-but-too-sweet Escada Rockin' Rio (which I almost did buy) and Fleurs des Caraibes. It gave me some better recommendations for Fendi, though -- I really do like the Prada scent.

Also, it isn't comprehensive. I tried to look up Kenneth Cole Black, which Rob loves, and didn't see it even listed. Which is weird, since I know Sephora sells it.

Gift rappin' for Mother's Day

What better Mother's Day gift for mothers everywhere than to watch this 1980-something video of Mr T rapping about how one should not dis one's mother?

I especially like his Totally Eighties! backup singers in the high-waisted jeans. They're so Eighties it made shoulder pads magically materialize in my shirt, and my collar automatically stood up.

Beep...beep...beep...FUMBLE!

A visual history of video-game football. This kind of feature is always so amazing to me.

I like to imagine someone with a time machine showing up at the side of a kid playing Mattel Electronic Football in 1977 or whatever and showing them Madden '07. It'd be like going back in time and giving Pa Ingalls a John Deere tractor, or like in "Guns of the South" when the South Africans from the future handed the Confederacy AK-47s. The kid's mind would quite simply completely explode.

News from the day job

So my boss called me at home last night, all excited about a rumor on the "American Idol" bulletin boards that claimed people calling Chris Daughtry's number this week got Katharine McPhee thanking them instead. I myself would never call into "Idol," so I couldn't offer first-hand verification or not, but I did research it (and eventually got FOX to give me a denial) and wrote it up here.

It was funny to see the story I wrote from home become the #1 most viewed and #1 most emailed story on MSNBC.com all day Friday. Even though I had the day off, I kept an eye on it and updated it as news warranted. MSNBC cable picked it up (video/audio link) and reported on it, and NBC may do the same. My byline's not on it because I incorporated some AP-supplied background, thus the "staff and wire" byline, but it's really pretty much all me. Kinda cool.

If you hear 'em from your brother, better clear 'em with your mother

What am I doing right now? Watching the second season of "Facts of Life" on DVD. Yes, the first and second seasons came out today -- best $35 I've spent in a while.

I also wrote about "Facts" at my work Weblog, and included a video of Al Roker interviewing Nancy McKeon, Lisa Whelchel, and Mindy Cohn on the "Today" show this morning. Yes, Nancy McKeon, she who shunned "Facts" for a while, appears to be back in the Eastland fold. No word on where Kim Fields is. (Also, Mindy Cohn? I love you, but your...look is kind of crazy Earth Mother hippie-gypsy lady got dressed at a yard sale in the dark, and it's scaring me.)

But back to the DVDs: I kind of forgot, I was putting down this show a little bit, thinking I was remembering it in a haze of happy memories but that it would really kind of stink, but no! There were actually some kind of funny lines, even in the early seasons! Who knew? Oh, I guess I did, but I kind of forgot.

There're other things I forgot, too. Mrs. Garrett had a lying wannabe musician son? Tootie's aunt had a mixed-race marriage? Tootie's child modeling episode involved her dressed to the neck and beyond, which doesn't stop Mrs. Garrett from shrieking about "CHILD PORNOGRAPHY!"

Also, the 1980s had some really, really bad clothes. Polyester, shoulder pads, horizontally striped polo shirts. And people imitated Mork, and the laugh track laughed at it. Yikes!

For LOVE OF MIKE

Here's my theory on this Robin-earache storyline in "For Better or For Worse." Deanna and Mike are stressed that they're taking too much time from their jobs to be with sick Robin. They're worried about him crying and disturbing the creepy Kelpfroth neighbors.

How to solve this? Mike quits his job, since the editing and writing work is seeking him out now (ha ha ha ha ha!) and Elly and John practically gift them with their big house, since Mike is obviously the Chosen Child. April? Eh, she can move in with Becky or something.

You watch, it will happen.

Unsolved mystery

The Jodi Huisentruit case made the news today, but it doesn't look very good as far as finding the missing anchor.

It's a weird story, though. If you noticed a grave-shaped digging on your land days after someone disappeared, wouldn't you a) dig it up, or b) call someone to dig it up? Would you sit around and wait for 10 years?

This is one of those cases that has always stayed with me, and when it resurfaces, I can't help but wish for a resolution for her family and friends. Jacob Wetterling, Anne Barber Dunlap, the Huisentruit case...Minnesota alone has so many unsolved cases.

Update: Sadly, looks like they didn't find Jodi.

Behold the power of Wikipedia

Yes, I know that Wikipedia gets things wrong and can't be treated as gospel truth, but I'm repeatedly impressed to the point of being a little bit freaked out by how amazingly complete it is.

My high school, a not-very-famous midwestern Catholic school? In there, complete with famous astronaut, acting and athlete alumni. (Josh Hartnett went there? Who in the what, now?)

Rob's high school, a not-very-famous California public school? Also in there, complete with acting and parent-murdering famous alumni. I'd guess the Menendez Brothers aren't coming to any reunions, though.

The rural area where my parents live? Listed.

Suburb where I spent my childhood? It's there, complete with freakishly in-depth weather stats.

Our neighborhood? Gotcha.

My favorite hometown summer festival? Come on, Minnesota, get together, it's Fair time!

My favorite book? Read on.

My employer? Listed. Apparently we are a portmanteau. I wonder if we can get shirts?

There's even an entry that seems like it would be about me. But thankfully, they're not quite that complete. Yet. Whew!

Bucket boy: Worse than bubble boy

SI.com names the 10 worst jobs in sports, via my new favorite sports Weblog, Deadspin.

Excerpt: "7. NASCAR tire changer I don't watch a ton of NASCAR, but it seems like one of the guys running around in the pits to throw new tires on the cars gets mowed over by a different car about once a week. Any gig that involves watching out for accelerating cars makes this list."

Delightfully blasphemous

Have you seen "Moral Orel" on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim? Not for everyone, that's for sure...think "Davey and Goliath" meets "South Park."

Orel is also kind of the love child of Ned Flanders and Mrs. Cartman -- he wants to be moral and good, but he misinterprets the bible horribly. His disturbed family and town doesn't help matters -- the kids at his school, Alfred G. Diorama Elementary, say the pledge this way "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to The Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God and Jesus Christ who died on the cross for all of our sins and then rose on the third day, indivisible, with liberty and justice for most." Definitely not everybody's cup of Claymation.

Only a limited amount of episodes have been shown so far, but according to Wikipedia, "the final three episodes were held back [due] to concerns from Standards and Practices. They have since been approved and new episodes will begin airing on May 14."

Drawn and quartered

Well, our Washington state quarter design has been chosen. The governor went for the leaping salmon with Mount Rainier in the background.

It beat out the "Hey! Let's cram as many state symbols as we can onto a coin!" quarter, and the Native American orca, which has been styled as the "whale plane" by many online folks.

I think it was probably the best choice, though it certainly won't stand out in a handful of change like the whale plane would have.

Now I can't wait to see if Montana agrees to go with the giant floating cow skull coin or not. Come on, giant floating cow skull!

I also really want Idaho to pick the one with the words "And here we have Idaho/Winning her way to fame," because first off, song lyrics on a quarter are hilarious, and secondly, Idaho? Fame? Famous potatoes, maybe, but none of the possible Idaho quarters display potatoes. They just weren't willing to go all the way for their state food, unlike Wisconsin. Make your own "That's right, you da ho" joke here.

I also badly want Utah to pick the quarter with the dude-a-riffic snowboarder on it, but you just know they're going for that damn beehive.

Also, Wyoming? I sense a trend.